The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
