I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Less talking, more tequila
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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