Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
