I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
