I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
