I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
