If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize