A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
