Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
