I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I want her autograph on my taint
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
