I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
