today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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