just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
