I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
