Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
