That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
