yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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