Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Never underestimate the power of titties
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
