Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
