Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
pray to the hookup gods
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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