Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize