eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
