So drunk its hurt
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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