my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
