If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I enjoy the company of your penis
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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