You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
