she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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