I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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