did you get engaged???
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
