Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
