I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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