just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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