these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize