Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
