remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
