I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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