So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
