peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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