You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
