New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
