Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
this hospital has no fireball
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
