We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The maid of honor just puked.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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