My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
