i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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