You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Fuck appropriateness.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
