Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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