Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
