I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
