Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
