Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
