Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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