i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize