I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
