end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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