I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
